help-wanted

Give Me a Reason….

They say blogging, and writing online in general, is about creating great content. There is a million tricks of the trade (very few do I know, and even less do I utilize) about getting traffic to your blog, but hardly anything works as well as providing something worth reading. With that in mind how do you narrow down the idea of your blog?

As many of you may have noticed, my blogs jump all over the place. Sometimes I post poetry, others I rant about politics and then occasionally I go hit-hunting and write lists blogs for fun. The problem is that this, (along with my super cliché WordPress 2014 design) makes my blog feel very sloppy, convoluted and under-maintained. Not to mention it lends credence to me not having a reason to write, where having a defined subject matter would give me a reason to write much more frequently.

I originally started this, not as a blog but as a place to publish some of my writing for a destination separate from the rest of my creative portfolio but obviously it’s evolved into something of a platform for me to express my opinions and other creative works simultaneously. While I am not arrogant enough to believe for a second that I have gathered a “following” I have received a fair amount of commentary from folks saying they like my work and would like to see more of it; making me feel like I should…well make more of it.

With that in mind I ask you, my extraordinarily small readership, along with my Facebook and Twitter communities to give me 5 topics you’d like to see me write on consistently. They can be anything as definite as “your favorite pizza topping and why” (though I may run out of that material quickly) to something as vast as “music”. The point is, I just need a reason to write more post-worthy work, on a consistent basis because writing makes me feel better and be a more productive person and hopefully entertains you as well. Feel free to comment down below with your ideas or send them to me privately and hopefully in the next week or two this blog will have a much more defined-at least once a day-5 days a week level of consistency to it. Until then…well I guess you can hold out hope I get drunk one night and write something gripping.

Til next time….

Surprised woman isolated against white background

6 Things To Know Now that Your Daughter Dates a Black Guy (or At Least This One)

This post originally began much more scathing and mean. I have since realized that some of it was unjust and other parts just a little over the top, not to mention just downright LONG. So I condensed it into this handy dandy little guide for the mothers of all the white girls in the world who grow up in places where the population is 98% white. Feel free to share the knowledge and maybe they’ll be less cringeworthy (and by cringeworthy I mean, god do I wish you were male and not the parent of someone I hope to marry because I swear to fucking God I’d punch you in the face if I thought there was the slightest chance of re-couping back into your good graces afterwards) moments.

  1. Your daughter’s preference for men of color does not translate into a preference for criminals. What? You never said that? Of course not. Just a few hundred iterations of “bad boy” and “thug” to really drive the point home.
  2. Get over the fact that I dress well. I do not need you to compliment every item of clothing I own that has a collar. I have a separate closet worth of sweaters and a tie collection bigger than your ex-husband’s. Believe it or not, the black male wardrobe is not all neon colors, and 3XL tee-shirts.
  3. Yes I like hip-hop, no it’s not all I listen to. The assumption that the only music I listen is hip-hop is downright fucking insulting. My favorite genres of music also include most variations of EDM, punk rock, pop, jazz, ska, and soul. My father was a Berklee-trained jazz musician who played with Miles Davis and James Brown, please don’t insult me by assuming my musical depth ends where the ass shaking stops.
  4. On the topic of ass-shaking, I am a better dancer than your daughter. I’m sure you met a Latin man once on vacation who knew how to dance, so I know you’re familiar with this phenomenon of people who posses penises being able to do more on a dancefloor than stand there and leer at you awkwardly from 50 ft away, or better yet standing dead still uncomfortably close to your ass. Just accept that I am part of said phenomenon and move on.  If I have to listen to the two of you talk about how “he said I was a good dancer for a white girl” and giggle in giddy excitement while you think I’m still asleep in the other room one more time I think I might lose it.
  5. If you have the balls to invite me into your home to mediate a conversation between you and your daughter because you have difficulty communicating with her, then you should probably get over the idea of me sleeping in an extra hour when she wakes up early for work. This whole “you need to be out of my house by 7am” because you’re “not comfortable” with me being here thing is clearly a sham. You’ve all but said to your daughter (who tells me these things FYI) that you’re worried I’m going to steal something and that you don’t feel safe. You’re an adult woman, grow the fuck up please.
  6. I wear a baseball hat pretty much everywhere. Yes I wear them backwards. No it is not because I am some sort of “gangsta”. It’s because when I was a kid I had long hair and couldn’t fit a hat over it, and now that I wear my hair short, I like the ability to wear hats. I own over 60 of them so get used to it. I wear them backwards because by the time I had short enough hair to wear hats my dad had died and there was no male role model in my life to show me how to curve the brim of a hat properly and they’d always come out pointy. Too embarrassed to ask somebody for assistance, I started wearing my hats backwards so people wouldn’t see the brim as often and was really excited when the whole “flat-brim” style came into vogue.

Long story short, I am a financially independent, creative professional with a cum laude bachelors degree. I am not an extra in a 2 Chainz video. Please behave accordingly.

When-People-Argue-On-Facebook

The 3 People You Shouldn’t Argue Politics With on the Internet

Let me say, I don’t have a degree in political science. If I had to venture a guess maybe 2% of my Facebook friends do, and I think that is probably an overestimate. However once in a while something magnificent happens, which is that our congress actually gets something accomplished (yes that is the magnificent part) and all of our idiotic friends come out of the woodwork to debate pubic policy on social media sites.

Now I gotta say this is usually a little more fun on Twitter because no one can make a sound policy argument in 140 characters (although as someone who would love a job managing social media accounts for a politician I’ll deny this statement if you ever ask) however with the quality of the argument its usually much better for the comedic level if you check out Facebook because people can’t rant at any length they choose. With that in mind I stress to you to laugh from afar and DO NOT, under any circumstances engage with these people or you will be in for a very long and strenuous comment war about something you probably have minimally strong views about to begin with.

  1. The staunch conservative: This guy will swear up and down that people who aren’t successful are a product of their own laziness. He probably thinks we should round up everyone making under 100k a year, take them out to pasture and rid our nation of them because they are making us weak. This guy also probably makes 45k a year at max and his idea of prosperity is parking a 2014 car outside of his studio apartment which he shares with his roommate, girlfriend and her child from her previously abusive relationship. When arguing politics he will commonly use terms like “UnAmerican” “Unpatriotic” “treason” and if he’s one of the brighter ones “Liberal media bias.” Probabaly hates you if you’re any shade darker than French Vanilla Extra Extra.  #’Merica! #FuckYeah.
  2. The Bleeding Heart Liberal: Most likely from the northeast and college educated and claims they understand everyone else’s issues and is out to fix them all (so long as they don’t pose any threat to their own agenda).  Thinks that everyone who makes under 100k should be making a 100k and that if they haven’t figured it out by now it’s everyone else’s fault and to compensate for how mean the world’s been we should give them their 40 acres and a BMW. Commonly refers to anyone and everyone as a racist, claims that their views are the only ones that are progressive and essentially believes their way of thinking as something of a manifest destiny…an inevitable reality. You will find this person arguing things like infants not being children until their parents have named them during abortion debates with the aforementioned Staunch Conservative. Most likely thinks you’re an asshole if your shirt has a collar, of any color, even though theirs does but it’s ok cause they feel bad about it.  #ItsMyFault #LetMeFixThis *falls on sword.*
  3. Hippy (college) Libertarians: Not to be confused with establishment Libertarians these folks believe in doing away with as much of the federal government as possible, not because they want to personally take advantage and triumph over the weak, but because they honestly believe that it’ll provide the fairest playing ground. These people are also all for the legalization of many drugs starting with marijuana and roll a better joint than you do. Find then having debates on the quad because they refuse to conform to the societal norms of having a Facebook account. The political distinction of most Bukowski reading (yet non understanding) hipsters.  You buy non-organic produce? Your opinions are invalid. #LessIsMore.

Commenters beware. On the plus side, congress probably won’t pass a single fucking bill all year anyway so you should be safe.

Nissan “In-Between” 15 Second Radio Spot

A 15 second Spot I wrote as part of an AAF campaign for Nissan at Salem State which never got used and thus obviously never got recorded. Maybe I’ll record a version in my free time eventually.

 

Narrator: Any car can get you from point A to point B.Your mom’s minivan,

<SFX: kids piling into car>

your ex’s convertible,

<Wind blowing, tires abruptly screeching to a halt and door slams>

your little brother’s clunker

<SFX: Engine struggling to start, sparking/grinding sounds>

(well, on it’s good days).

But what about when point B is 1500 miles away? Need something for the In-Between? That’s Nissan. Great gas mileage, award winning entertainment features and luxurious comfort in a car within your budget. Nissan, for in-between A and B.

<Boilerplate>