“That Guy”

That Guy. Everyone knows him. One. Someone.


That Guy is That Guy who takes the last slice of pizza with an odd number of people because he thinks he’s the man. That Guy who put on too much Axe as a substitute for cologne and upon questioning says it helps him get the ladies. That Guy who NEVER get’s the ladies.


That Guy is a part of every male (and most female) social circles in America. Everyone’s got that friend who you’ve known forever so you’re obligated to be nice to, or is the best friend of one of your best friends, or worst yet someone you’re dating because you think they have redeemable qualities (PS. That guy never does). That guy is the type of guy who gets tattoos that say things like “Death before Dishonor” “Money Over Bitches” and or his/her hometown area code. You know who they are and no matter how often you say “Don’t be that guy”, they always will be.


Why am I going on about That Guy? Because that guy is a guy I’ve known since I was 2. Childhood best-friends, the guy I used to pickup girls together with in middle school. That guy is now a military douchebag who just got a Jesus face tattoo, posts Facebook statuses about how his job in the National Guard Reserve affords him the right to tell everyone and their mother (literally, their mothers) that they are worthless by comparison to his <$30,000 a year salary and 2 weekends a month he spends at drill. He’s the kind of guy who throws stones from within a glass house of domestic abuse allegations and deep seeded Alabama-esque conservatism that would make Ted Cruz do a double take.


But I really want to like That Guy. He’s my buddy. We’ve had some good times together. He’s a swell guy to have a beer and watch a game and listen to bad Top 40 music with. But I also want to punch him in the face 90% of the time he opens his mouth.


What are ya gonna do right. Love him or hate him, he’s always gonna be there, goddamn That Guy.


So my question of the day to you, audience of mine, what in the hell do you do with That Guy? Please feel free to comment with any advice and/or your best “That Guy” stories.

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